Look Past the Behavior and See the Need
All of us have had difficult people in our lives that have blunt, harsh or sometimes downright obnoxious mannerisms. Sometimes they are a person in authority in our lives which makes it really hard. We find ourselves despairing and puzzled as to what to do, maybe just write them off? Something a wise brother told me once that I have never forgotten is to try to look past the behavior and see the need. Every person is important to God, and maybe all it will take is to try and see their need.
Every person is important to God
It was thirty years ago and I was a very young pastor. One night in a board meeting one of the men attacked me, accused me of all manner of negative things. It hit me so hard I didn’t even try to defend myself. I went home soul searching to try and figure out if I had messed things up like he said I had, and I had to honestly conclude I didn’t think so.
I called an older pastor friend and told him the story.
He asked me if I had generally gotten along with the man. I said that I had. He asked me if we’d had any other conflicts previous to this, and I could not remember any. So he suggested that I go to him, and say something like this. “You know brother, I have always liked and appreciated you, and I have felt like we always got along with each other. The other night you had some pretty hard things to say to me, and I really don’t think I did those. You want to tell me what is really wrong?” My older pastor friend said, sometimes you have to look beyond the behavior and see the need.
“You want to tell me what is really wrong?”
The man on my board had a small business in the town where we lived, and I went over there, just as he was just closing up for the evening. I shared the things that my friend had said, and asked him, “You want to tell me what is really wrong?” He broke down emotionally and unloaded all kinds of things he was going through. I was able to hear him out, and I listened to him for some time. He thanked me for caring for him and apologized for his harsh words. He became one of my better friends, and we never had another conflict again after that.
I wonder if anyone had ever tried?
He’d been a gruff guy, and sometimes hard to get along with, but he just needed someone to care enough to look past his behavior and see his need. I wonder if anyone had ever tried? This will not always work, but everyone needs someone to at least try. We want to go to war when someone is gruff with us, but it accomplishes nothing.
Be Kind to All, Patient
When I think of an older pastor helping a younger pastor like I was, I think of Paul helping young pastor Timothy. He said, “The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged” (2 Timothy 2:24). I think what my friend counseled me to do would be an application of this. I wanted to fight back, but the passage says be kind to all, patient. We have to be if we are going to look beyond the behavior and see the need. Who knows how much good we will do if we give it a try.
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